i wish there were pregnant emoticons
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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