Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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