I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
