I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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