did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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