Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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