apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
