i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize