Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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