oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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