If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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