just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
