We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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