His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
