Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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