woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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