I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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