i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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