If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize