Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
