"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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