Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
