I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
last night I used snow as a chaser
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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