You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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