Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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