I wanna passion pit in your ass
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
