So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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