I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize