There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
