party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
why is half of my head shaved?
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