I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
