My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize