my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
