fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
