My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
