She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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