How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
