I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
