I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
