Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
