I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
