this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
