she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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