highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
