apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
