He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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