Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
