i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
