so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
