I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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