If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
