headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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