I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
