Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
