I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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