someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
it hurts more in the daytime
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
