Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
